How To Talk About Peyronie's With Your Partner
Peyronie's Question
Hi Birgir,
Thank you for creating your website, sharing your story and providing information. My boyfriend (early 50's) suddenly has this as of 3 weeks ago. At first I was really scared for him and how he was feeling, and I felt so horrible that I had probably injured him during sex (he already has ED issues and I read that sex while it is not totally 'hard' is what causes it. I had no idea.
I am feeling a little bit better after reading through your site and fb page. He already had a urology appt for cystic bladder so at least the timing brought him to the doctor for it within 2 weeks of onset. He is taking Pentoxifylline and L Arginine.
He hasn't talked about it to me in depth yet. I asked him how his Dr appt went and he said he was going to take pills for 6 months, didn't offer any more info.
I looked at his bottles to see what he was taking (they were out on the kitchen counter).
I don't know how curved it is as it was straight last time we had sex 3 weeks ago. He told me what happened and that we should leave it alone until he can talk to his doctor (which was one week ago). Next weekend I am going to ask him about it, I want him to know that I support him fully. This is in no way a 'deal breaker' for me, I just want him to feel ok. I have no idea if his doctor mentioned the traction device. I hope so, I guess that may come up in conversation.
Thank you for listening. I have been so secretly upset and scared for him, and I refuse to confide in my best girlfriend because I don't think he'd want her to know since we socialize with her and her hubby.
Thank you again
S
My Peyronie's Answer
Dear S
Thank you very much for your e-mail and your kind words about My Peyronie's. It means a lot and keeps me motivated.
First, your boyfriend is very lucky to have such a supportive partner. I know how much my wife support meant to me. I also know how men that do not have their partners support have much more difficult time dealing with their disease. Peyronie's disease has broken up relationships BUT it has also made many relationships stronger. It's up to you and your boyfriend to make sure you fit in the latter category!
Under NO circumstances blame yourself or him. Peyronie's can happen to any man any time. Your boyfriend's ED problems may have made him more at risk BUT very few people are aware of Peyronie's until they find out the hard way (though thanks to the internet the awareness is increasing).
To minimize the risk of getting Peyronie's disease men would not only have to abstain from sexual intercourse, they would also have to abstain from masturbation. I think it's fair to say that very very very few men see that as an option!
So this is no one's fault. Only thing that matters now is how you both deal with it.
It is great that your boyfriend has already seen an Urologist and has already started his treatment. Pentoxifylline and L Arginine are among the things that Dr. Levine, one of the best know Peyronie's specialists in the world today recommends for non-surgical patient (as I don't know which articles you have read on my website I will be including links to those that I believe may be helpful at this stage).
This article offers overview of all the main Treatment Options and links to the relevant articles.
Traction Therapy may help to prevent / reduce penile curvature.
While Vacuum Pumps are beneficial for men with low quality erections / ED.
It is very important that the two of you communicate clearly. Peyronie's disease is very difficult for men as the shape, size and condition of the penis is very much linked to most men self-esteem. Depression is therefore very common among men with PD. One study showed that 48% of Peyronie's patients had clinical depression that warranted medical evaluation.
I hope your boyfriend can talk about this with you. Because in my opinion the best help any man with Peyronie's can get is supportive partner like you. It is vital that you communicate your feelings clearly to your boyfriend. The most important message is that this is "in no way a 'deal breaker' for me".
You should also tell him how you feel, i.e. that you are upset and scared for him. Make him understand that you are in this together and that you also need his support.
You are absolutely right not to talk to anyone you know in real life about this, i.e. not without getting his permission first. However, most men would like to keep this private and between the two of you. That is of course not fair for you as you need support too… but still, usually a necessary sacrifice on the partners behalf.
So you have to support each other. On top of that, you can and should seek professional help as needed and there is support to be found in the "virtual world". This article contains links to the best Peyronie's Forums, just make sure to read about the pros and cons of them beforehand.
You both may find these articles helpful but they are about Getting Through PD Together and Advice For Peyronie's Partners like yourself.
And then there is sex.
Can You Enjoy Sex With Peyronie's Disease?
Sex Tips For Men With Peyronie's Disease
You were right to wait until he had seen his doctor. However, men with Peyronie's can have sex… and should, as it will make them feel so much better about it all. It is though important to make sure the penis is firm enough before attempting penetration (else of risk of buckling that could aggravate the PD condition).
This is why he must address his Erection Quality with his doctors a.s.a.p. There are things that can help, like Viagra, vacuum pumps, etc.
And there are other ways to stay intimate then penetration.
I hope you tell your boyfriend about my website. He is welcome to contact me anytime, whatever for advice or if he just wants to vent. Peyronie's can feel isolating but he is not alone. And best of all, he has you.
I wish you good luck talking to him next weekend and him with his treatment. You are of course welcome to contact me anytime too. And if you prefer to talk to another partner, then I know my wife will be happy to talk to you.
Kind regards,
Birgir
